Between the Lines - Walking on Eggshells

January’s Pick - Walking on Eggshells, by Jane Isay

Thoughts

I read Walking on Eggshells upon the recommendation of my sister. Her book club recently read it, and she thought there might be something in it for me as the mother of 7 (mostly) grown adults. This is not the kind of self-help book filled with step-by-step strategies or advice on how to fix broken relationships, rather, it is a collection of dozens of interviews with family members ranging from ages 25 to 70. The author does a good job of presenting each family without judgment and at the conclusion of each story, she might share her takeaway from the portrait, but ultimately it is up to you to find the “lesson” and to decide if it is one with which you agree and one you are able to adopt. It quickly becomes apparent that the parents who reported the most loving relationships with their adult children all had something in common. The silver bullet, that is the approach that seems to work best in cultivating open, loving and drama-free relationships between the generations is what Isay identifies as the eleventh commandment and it is this - “Thou shalt not give your grown children advice.” Stated another way “Don’t give it; They don’t like it; They don’t want it; They resent it.” Of course, I think we all know this to be true, (in fact isn’t this true in all relationships?) the trick though is how to avoid the parent trap: how to let go of control without letting go of our children that we love so dearly. I think this is the important question, and it’s the problem that we get hung up on. It is hard to stop being a parent as we understood it. What does our new role look like, and how can be we supportive and helpful without being domineering and intrusive? Sadly, the author doesn’t delve into this as much as I would have liked and because of that the book doesn’t resonate on a deeper level with me. Still there are good things found here and for now, I am going to adopt the wisdom found in Sheila’s story who lives by the maxim: “Keep your mouth shut and your door open.” Nothing could make me happier than having my children, their spouses and my grandchildren happily and regularly coming through our open door and into our hearts.

Overall

There’s good commonsense information here which we can all be reminded of, but the book is repetitive and light on analysis. Still, it is a very fast read, and I would recommend it not just to parents of adult children but to adult children as well. Even if you aren’t a parent, you are someone’s adult child and there is definitely insight to be gained about parents’ struggles and insecurities as they transition out of the natural hierarchical role they once held to give way and give respect to the independent adults their children have become. If you are a parent, chances are you will see bits of yourself in both roles, parent and child, in the many accounts found in the book. It can be revealing to see yourself from these two viewpoints, and you may find yourself asking how am/was I as a parent and how am/was I as a child. Doubtful any of us has a perfect record, but with luck, love and and an open mind, we should be able to enjoy enduring and meaningful relationships with our loved ones.

P.S. As a new grandmother, I imagine there’s something to be learned too from Isay’s latest book, Unconditional Love:A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being a Grandparent. I am betting that the 11th Commandment still applies :).

Kathryn